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Is it ever a good suggestion to remain pals with an ex?
Final month, Life Package requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. In the event you share youngsters or pets, it would make sense, say our relationship specialists. However steer clear if you happen to had been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite particular person.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the big selection of potentialities that may come when a romance ends. Some mentioned their ex was their finest buddy. Some mentioned they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others mentioned they realized … they did not need to be pals in any respect!
These responses have been edited for size and readability.
‘We nonetheless stay collectively’
My ex and I aren’t solely good pals, however we nonetheless stay collectively beneath the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
After we acquired divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is pricey in California. We might every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our dwelling and discover our personal locations to stay.
We additionally did not need to break up time with our son, who was 5 years previous on the time. With this association, we may co-parent extra successfully and see our son on daily basis. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be answerable for our son and his care. Now, virtually 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.
Sure, relationship has been onerous. Who desires so far a person who nonetheless lives together with his ex? However the execs far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my finest buddy’
I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We now have two kids, a son and daughter who are actually grown and stay shut by.
For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be harm, offended and misplaced. However after wanting again on hurtful issues I mentioned and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.
Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. At this time, my ex-wife is my finest buddy. We advise one another on many sides of life, from coping with siblings to dwelling restore. We rejoice household occasions along with our youngsters and their vital others. We are actually very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 12 months previous, the enjoyment of our lives.
It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I would like little contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We had been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who are actually 33 and 28.
For the sake of our youngsters and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to keep up an amicable relationship. However I’m not positive what the form of that relationship will appear to be going ahead.
In the meanwhile, I would like as little contact with my ex as potential. I would like the psychological house to find who I’m in 2024 as a just lately divorced 67 12 months previous. And I need to enable the sentiments and ideas in regards to the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper
‘I want he had been a tiny bit depressing’
Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and accomplice of 21 years divorced me. He mentioned he nonetheless wished me in his life, however as a buddy.
We’re in common contact and meet up a pair instances per week. However I will be trustworthy: it has been troublesome seeing him simply decide up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with every little thing. I would like him to be joyful, however on the identical time I want he had been a tiny bit depressing.
The truth that we’ve a fairly small circle of pals does not assist. After I see him with a mutual buddy, they focus on individuals of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip
P.S. Be certain your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.
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‘He believed we’d proceed to be finest pals’
When my 15-year relationship was ending, my accomplice — who was within the midst of creating himself my ex — mentioned he firmly believed we’d proceed to be finest pals.
Abruptly, I blurted out, “however I’m not pals with individuals of your caliber.”
It’s fascinating to understand that the one that you entered the connection with can change into somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, understanding one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz
‘It created one thing lovely’
My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a nasty breakup filled with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.
Nonetheless, I wished to change into pals once more. We each are queer and felt loads of strain to change into pals for the sake of our buddy group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for every little thing that went unsuitable. It backfired so dangerous that we didn’t speak for years after.
It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We had been dwelling in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different lady. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.
We had lengthy talks about how we could possibly be higher pals and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. After I was pregnant, my ex was my help particular person. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.
This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the house to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we need to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly lovely. –LaKecia Farmer
Thanks to everybody who took the time to e mail Life Package together with your submission. Join our weekly e-newsletter to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We might love to listen to from you. Go away us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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