Shanna Moakler Reveals Her ‘Largest Remorse’ After Heartbreak and Loss (Unique)

She’s lived via loads of headline-making drama via the years, however even Shanna Moakler felt like her life was a mixed-up jigsaw puzzle final yr.

Sipping on inexperienced tea on the Chateau Marmont throughout an hours-long interview with PEOPLE in April, the previous magnificence pageant queen displays on her mom Gail’s dying in January 2023, which was adopted shortly by the dying of her father, John W. Moakler III, simply seven months later.

“I used to be in a really, very darkish place. I ended weight-reduction plan. I ended exercising. I simply ate like s—. I used to be so devastated, and I missed my f—ing mother and pop,” says Moakler, 49. “I used to be like, ‘I will f—ing eat the ache away.”

On the time, “paparazzi had been at my entrance door from the Kardashian media circus with Travis. It was on one other stage, and I did not know how you can deal,” she continues of her ex-husband Travis Barker and his spouse Kourtney Kardashian, who was hospitalized in September 2023 whereas she was pregnant with their son Rocky. “I used to be unhappy. And I simply missed my mother and father a lot.”

It is solely in current months that Moakler feels extra like herself once more. “I do not assume anybody has a clue about who I’m,” she says, cracking a smile as she acknowledges she started taking Mounjaro, an FDA-approved drug accredited to deal with Kind 2 diabetes that many use off-label for weight reduction.

“I am extra than simply the ex-wife of well-known males. I used to be Miss USA at 19. I am good. Each half I’ve ever obtained in any film, or each present I hosted or auditioned for, I labored my f—ing ass off to get,” she emphasizes. “I additionally haven’t got to love the f—ing Kardashians, and I am truthfully sick of speaking about them. As I stand right here right now, as a mature lady who’s gone via all that… I don’t give a f— what anybody thinks of me anymore. I am pleased with who I’m.”

Earlier than Moakler married Blink-182 drummer Barker in 2004, the actress and former mannequin dated boxer Oscar De La Hoya. She met the boxing legend, 51, in 1997. “I noticed this man stroll by me, and all these individuals had been round him. It was so loopy. We simply checked out one another, and I knew I met a soulmate,” she stated within the 2023 HBO documentary The Golden Boy: Oscar De La Hoya.

Moakler and De La Hoya moved in collectively, obtained engaged and welcomed their daughter, Atiana, now 25. However the relationship suffered when an 18-year-old lady accused De La Hoya of sexual assault amid different rumors of infidelity, and the couple broke off their engagement in 2000. (De La Hoya later reached an out-of-court settlement with the lady, in keeping with The Washington Put up.)

“His ingesting was at all times a difficulty for me,” says Moakler, including that he grew to become a distinct individual when he consumed alcohol. In 2023’s The Golden Boy, De La Hoya informed host Neil Cavuto he “obtained into a number of alcohol and medicines, and I simply actually misplaced myself.”

Whereas they had been courting, De La Hoya revealed to Moakler that he was a dad to 2 youngsters with two different ladies. On the time, the skilled boxer wasn’t prepared for fatherhood. “I principally ran away. I used to be scared. I used to be fearful,” he informed Allison Kugel final yr on her podcast about letting Moakler and Barker increase Atiana. “I did attempt to be a father full-time for just a few years, and it was stunning … however there got here a degree the place you say to your self, ‘Wait a minute. You are not worthy of this.'”

“The sexual assault stuff was devastating. I simply believed him. He was like, ‘I by no means did that. It by no means occurred. They only need my cash.’ I at all times stood by my man again then,” says Moakler of attempting to defend De La Hoya — who has confronted two extra sexual assault allegations — on the time. “However that is for him and God to cope with now.” (A 2019 lawsuit filed by a San Bernardino lady was dismissed in 2020; one other lady accused him of sexual assault in 2022, and he has by no means been charged in court docket and denied all allegations.)

After their breakup Moakler started courting Barker in the summertime of 2002, they usually grew to become mother and father to son Landon Asher, now 20, on Oct. 9, 2003. Barker proposed to Moakler on Christmas Eve on the Haunted Mansion experience at Disneyland, they usually married on the Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara on Oct. 30, 2004.

Then, only a yr later, they welcomed their daughter Alabama Luella, now 18, on Christmas Eve. Their romance was a whirlwind, and Moakler says the connection was difficult.

In August 2006 Barker filed for divorce after two seasons of their actuality present Meet the Barkers. The subsequent day, Moakler wrote on MySpace that she was “very devastated and really a lot heartbroken” in regards to the separation. “I wished nothing extra [than] to beat the challenges we confronted however failed,” she wrote. “I actually imagine that every part occurs for a motive … I’ve been actually blessed with nice household and buddies and naturally my youngsters.”

Added Barker on the time: “I am not within the indignant part in any respect as a result of I am nonetheless completely in love with Shan.”

A month later he was reportedly seen kissing Paris Hilton (the 2 ladies accused one another of battery following a dustup at a nightclub in 2006), however Barker shortly returned to Moakler. By June 2007 they’d damaged up once more, and in February 2008, their divorce was finalized. 

Seven months later, when Barker was severely injured in a airplane crash in South Carolina that killed 4 others onboard, Moakler rushed to be by his bedside. “I used to be at house — the house he is at present residing in now — and I used to be in mattress with our daughter when the cellphone name got here in from the police division,” Moakler remembers. “I used to be so terrified. I used to be purported to be on the airplane however determined to not go on the final minute and stick with the youngsters. Then I heard Travis screaming, ‘I am on hearth,’ and I used to be like, ‘Oh my God.’ I used to be hysterical.”

After 9 days in intensive care, Barker and Moakler traveled again by bus to a burn middle in Augusta, Georgia. Later, Moakler stated, they rekindled their relationship and had been attempting for one more baby. “We wished one other child. We had been going to get married once more, however then it simply did not work out. We simply could not get better,” she says of their short-lived reconciliation. “We separated, lived in separate rooms and had separate lives, however we nonetheless lived collectively as a household till 2014.”

When Barker started courting Kardashian (they confirmed their relationship on Instagram in February 2021), Moakler says she was shocked. Through the years, Moakler and Barker’s more and more nasty cut up — together with a extremely publicized custody battle — typically made headlines, however they seemed to be doing their finest to coparent over the previous couple of years.

After she spoke out in opposition to her ex on Bunnie XO’s podcast Dumb Blonde in January, nevertheless, Barker ceased all communication, says Moakler.

In the course of the podcast, Moakler had referred to as the Kardashians “disgusting,” saying, “I eliminated myself in order that they could not bond over my youngsters hating me” and alleged that when Barker began courting Kardashian, there was some “parental alienation happening there.” On the time, a good friend of the couple informed PEOPLE: “Travis and Kourtney do not take note of what Shanna’s doing. They’re so pleased in life proper now.”

Now, “we do not communicate anymore,” says Moakler. “I haven’t got a relationship with Travis, however I feel that is okay. I do not really feel prefer it’ll be like that eternally, however I really feel like proper now — I feel that is the place we’re at in our evolution, and possibly sooner or later, it will change.”

Regardless of the difficulties she’s had in relationships, Moakler believes there’s nonetheless hope for her to search out love and marry once more. “I really like taking good care of a person. I need to develop previous and make reminiscences with somebody. I need to be healed and complete after I discover my individual. However I nonetheless have to work on myself rather a lot first,” she says. “I watched my mom and father love one another for 53 years. I completely imagine that there are great males on the market who may be type, devoted and talk, and who will not be addicts.”

Pausing for a second, she displays on her two exes. “You recognize, Travis and Oscar are very related. They had been each propelled to fame, and I used to be with them each on the top of their careers. They each had been very poor. They each yearn for energy, cash and fame, and they’re related in that manner,” she says. “However I am not trying to date that type of man anymore.”

Taking one other sip of tea, she exhales. “Truthfully, I simply do not care about my exes for the time being. I do not care about Oscar or Travis,” she emphasizes. “I do know I am speaking about it right here with you — and I actually cannot do something with out speaking about it — as a result of it is simply type of caught with me, which is ok. However I actually care extra about simply therapeutic from the lack of my household and my assist system, and simply actually looking for out what my subsequent transfer in life is. I am an empty nester and turning 50, and I am simply looking for my place on the earth once more with out my mother and father or a associate.”

For Moakler, probably the most tough a part of the general public drama has been the influence on her relationships along with her youngsters. “I am not a deadbeat mother. I’ve a really shut relationship with my youngsters who at the moment are adults, and I’ve been current of their lives, besides throughout Covid lockdown,” she says of Landon and Alabama, who beforehand “preferred” a submit on Instagram slamming dangerous mothers. “They’ve each taken again what they stated about me and apologized.”

Whereas she does not remorse starring on actuality TV, Moakler feels it did not assist the narrative that she wasn’t concerned in elevating her youngsters. “Meet the Barkers doesn’t dictate me as a mom. I used to be rocking three infants below the age of 5 and pregnant all of 1 season and up in any respect hours,” she says. “I didn’t sleep on a regular basis. It was a TV present 20 years in the past. Bama has been staying at my home till the time she was 18. We share a really particular relationship, and Landon is a superb drummer and a lead singer. My oldest daughter was born and raised within the Oaks, and I really like her.”

Moakler — who’s a spokesperson for Tahoe Blue vodka (she partnered with founder and CEO Matt Levitt for the sugar and gluten-free vodka choice) insists she’s not trying to interact in any extra public “fights” with Barker, and he or she’s spending her time meditating, journaling and planning her subsequent strikes.

She’s attempting to direct and star in each scripted and actuality exhibits, and is constant to work as a director in pageantry whereas serving to different ladies obtain their goals of changing into Miss USA. 

“I used to care a lot what individuals considered me. I used to be stereotyped because the dumb blonde. I wished to point out everybody I had character and substance. However I am completed with that,” she says. “I would like my youngsters to have self-love and know their price and worth. I gave up a lot to assist different males, their objectives and their goals, and I’ll by no means do it once more.”

It has been a rocky journey, however “I feel needed to undergo all that to be the place I’m proper now. I really feel very assured. I am optimistic about my future. I really feel very fortunate I obtained via it,” she says, smiling. “I need to be the sunshine on the finish of the darkish tunnel of terrible breakups and horrible divorces. And I by no means need to diminish my mild or my vanity. It is my largest remorse.”